Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Darkness Fears Light

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that I'm now ok
And not to worry because worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these
I will not be made useless
I won't be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know,
but with God all things are possible!

Thursday, April 07, 2011

I Am In My Trap!

I am; I'm not; I am; I'm not...I guess I am suffering from depression.

In my last post I talked of how my life is beyond blue now, and how it was puzzling for me to believe. Since I was diagnosed I thought that was it, but a friend suggested that if I needed to work at being positive, optimistic and so on it could be I just got exhausted. No matter what I am living with - whether it's burnout, depression or exhaustion, I do need to find ways to cope with the condition.

I do indeed feel I'm getting sucked down into a depression. I've made an appointment to see my doctor in two weeks. That will give me more time to assess whether it's really happening and not just a glitch.

A pastor friend of mine shared with me her experience in depression,  how it was dark & certainly a wilderness. For 12 months she sat with God, cried out to him but did no ministry. That time of resting in Jesus and being patient helped her to grow deeper in Him. I spent my quiet time today just sitting, not able to read or pray. The wonderful thing is, though, that I did feel God's presence. Although I was very much within myself, I felt Him there with me, keeping me company. No feeling of hopelessness or despair. I am having some difficulty doing the things I need to do, though.

Many people have emailed, called, messaged me to catch up. As much as I am normally a very social and outgoing person, I find it hard to meet up with people right now. I feel weak and fragile - I am still in my trap. In the past, I never understood when people told me that they were shy, or experienced social anxiety (phobia), but now I am constantly struggling with it, which I find very frustrating! :( What I most want/need to do over the next little while, is to overcome this shyness / social anxiety, get out and meet up some people.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Beyond Blue

Here's my story: My life is 'beyond blue' right now!

In the beginning I thought I was burnt out as I had been involved in so many projects: work, ministries, online businesses, home study education etc.  I had lost motivation in doing things. When a friend suggested that I sounded depressed, and recommended for me to read the website of beyond blue - the national depression initiative - I pretty much self diagnosed my depression when I found out that I had most of the symptoms. This was confirmed by a specialist on Monday.

"Kitty, why are you feeling like this? That just doesn't go with your nature." A friend responded upon seeing my facebook status.

I'm always known to be a cheerful and happy person. It's puzzling to me and I am sure to many others that I would be suffering from depression.

It is generally accepted in the medical field that major depression is due to an imbalance in the chemistry of the brain. Neurotransmitters are chemical substances that carry electrical impulses from one nerve cell to another within the brain. They are released from one cell (the sender) and travel to the next cell (the receiver), where it is either absorbed or returned to the sender. The best understanding of clinical depression is that there are not enough neurotransmitters to ferry these messages across all the gaps.

This deficiency leads to a change in the person’s mood, thinking and behaviour. Serotonin and noradrenaline are two neurotransmitters that increase brain activity and improve mood. Antidepressant drugs help the brain to retain more of these substances and so stabilise the mental condition.

Call it what you will, the most agonizing fact of the condition is that pall of darkness laid upon the mind. Life and light seem beyond reach. Something intervenes: a gray mist of separation, a feeling of worthlessness, locked away from everything and everyone — including God at times.

Perhaps this is one way to distinguish between the “blues,” which afflict nearly everyone at one time or another, and the blackness of clinical depression. Clinically depressed patients cry, “My God, why have you forsaken me?”

Have you ever cried out to God in depression? If so, how did you cope with it?

Monday, April 04, 2011

All I Need Is Love

I can see the end of my sorrow
It won't be too far from tomorrow
Even though I experienced the dark night of the soul
All I need is love

I had gone through the motions
My tears could have filled the oceans
My mind had raced with notions
All I need is love

So I breathe in and I breathe out
And wonder what my life's about
On that day I can shout
All I need is love

I know He won't forsake me
His calm will overtake me
The devil won't shake me
All I need is love

ps: THANKS to those of you who have shown me your love through this difficult season of my life!

Sunday, April 03, 2011


I keep on hoping one day
that good things will come true,

My life has many journeys
with good and bad times too.

Now I'm a stranger to my own self,
there are things I cannot see.

But I will keep on searching
for the better part of me.

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Dawn On Mountain Top

Emotions from my mind
Like a roller coaster ride

This emotional pain I fear it will stay,
I want desperately for it to go away

This battle I fight, it wears me out,
The unbearable pain fills me with doubt

I'm such a worthless person, at least that’s how I feel
Please, someone tell me that this isn’t real

I used to be so cheerful and fun
But now when the day starts I wait for it to be done

I feel stuck and yuck
It seems I have no luck

The darker the night, the longer it seems to be
Darkness seems never-ending, but however dark it may be

After the night dawn will certainly come
Every night does end ... in a new light … in a new dawn

As my friend Sondy said, "If you stay on the mountain top you never get anywhere. You have to go through a valley to get to the next mountain - it's coming, Kitty, just keep walking. :)"

Yes I will keep walking knowing that I will arrive at dawn on mountain top sooner or later!