I Am In My Trap!

 
I am; I'm not; I am; I'm not...I guess I am suffering from depression.

In my last post I talked of how my life is beyond blue now, and how it was puzzling for me to believe. Since I was diagnosed I thought that was it, but a friend suggested that if I needed to work at being positive, optimistic and so on it could be I just got exhausted. No matter what I am living with - whether it's burnout, depression or exhaustion, I do need to find ways to cope with the condition.

I do indeed feel I'm getting sucked down into a depression. I've made an appointment to see my doctor in two weeks. That will give me more time to assess whether it's really happening and not just a glitch.

A pastor friend of mine shared with me her experience in depression,  how it was dark & certainly a wilderness. For 12 months she sat with God, cried out to him but did no ministry. That time of resting in Jesus and being patient helped her to grow deeper in Him. I spent my quiet time today just sitting, not able to read or pray. The wonderful thing is, though, that I did feel God's presence. Although I was very much within myself, I felt Him there with me, keeping me company. No feeling of hopelessness or despair. I am having some difficulty doing the things I need to do, though.


Many people have emailed, called, messaged me to catch up. As much as I am normally a very social and outgoing person, I find it hard to meet up with people right now. I feel weak and fragile - I am still in my trap. In the past, I never understood when people told me that they were shy, or experienced social anxiety (phobia), but now I am constantly struggling with it, which I find very frustrating! :( What I most want/need to do over the next little while, is to overcome this shyness / social anxiety, get out and meet up some people.