I don't know about you, but I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself. I am generally an "all-or-nothing" person. If I think something is not good enough, I either stop doing it all together or won't stop until I feel like I've made it. And the concept that "I am not good enough" comes from past experience of failures in various areas of my life.
Brene Brown, the expert of shame and vulnerability, says "shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we are not good enough." Coming originally from an Asian background, where shame and honour are inextricably tied together, I can certainly relate to that! With the false motives which often propels me to do what I do because of performance orientation, this lie that "I am not enough" has been ingrained in me since I was a little girl.
I am going through Dr Caroline Leaf's 21 Day Brain Detox where we are taught how to think the right way toward a toxic free mind. By controlling the direction of our mind, we control the direction of our life. We can perform simple brain surgery on ourselves by getting rid of toxic thoughts and planting healthy ones in their place. Since day 1 of this program, I've been dealing with this particular toxic issue of "I am not enough" with associated thoughts. So far the active reaches have been very helpful for me to work through heading toward healthy thought pattern.
At the end of the day don’t we just want to know that we’re “enough”? Unfortunately many of us walk around feeling either that we are not enough or that others aren’t enough for us. My experience tells me that a lot of my disappointments and discouragements could be traced back to me feeling like I am not enough and/or the other people in my life aren’t enough.
This afternoon through prayers and discussion with a friend, I was once again reminded that due to performance orientation, and the desire to please others, I seek validation, approval and acceptance by people around me, particularly my dad, who had passed away more than 20 years ago. That's essentially where the toxic thought "I am not enough" comes from. By going to the foot of the cross and giving this burden to God, I am assured that I am enough, as the free woman God created me to be. As I was praying this afternoon, the Scripture from Galatians 2:20 came to mind "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." I also felt at that moment my performance orientation was brought to death. I can now find worth or value in who I am in Christ, not just in what I do.
As I was driving home, I could hear the gentle whisper from the Lord, "you are enough just as you are, you are loved just as you are." I breathed in and surrendered myself to this truth. And I have a strong conviction that the Holy Spirit will step in whenever I feel like I am not enough again, to comfort me and carry me. I am so thankful that I am loved, accepted and even cherished just as I am. And because of that, I know I am enough!